just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
