if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
