How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
