I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
