Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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