You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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