my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
