My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
