Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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