Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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