What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
