I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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