rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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