I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
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Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
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You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.