i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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