We're facebook friends in real life
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
