Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..