Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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