two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
