Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
