I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
