i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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