Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
