So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
