At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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