If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
