Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
