an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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