I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
