Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
