She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
