He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
