my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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