I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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