I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
