how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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