My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
