i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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