She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
