i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
