Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
