So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
