I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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