The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
