allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
