He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
