She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
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We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
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I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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