When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
