I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We were destined to go to rehab together
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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