I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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