Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
