After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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