Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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