you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
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