Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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