Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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