FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
