I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
