Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
